Jolly Green Tyrant: I Have a Stalker, and He is Six Inches Tall

20 June 2008

I Have a Stalker, and He is Six Inches Tall

Someone is chewing my clog and pulling on my pant cuff as I brush my teeth. Someone is watching me from the shower rod while I am in the bath, and he is shouting at me. Someone is chasing me on foot like a kitten after a string, pigeon toed feet racing after me. Someone is flying from room to room, like a green shadow. Someone is in my sheets, chewing the fabric. Someone is trying to bite me as I sweep the kitchen floor. And someone is trying to get under the crack of the closed bedroom door, running his beak back and forth along the wood floor.

His nickname is Bug and I am afraid I might accidentally squish him like one.

The dogs make a wide path as he passes, but the senile cat takes him for a friend before I steer her away, saving her a nip in the nose.

He wants death to all washcloths, all rags, all laundry folding. He wants mememememe. That is until he needs his nails clipped. Then I become the Hated One, the one he shall inflict many a wound upon the slow sleight of hand.

I have to walk softly and slowly and I need to look down at where I am going.

What is that scritching sound? What is that silhouette on the edge of my periphery, pupils locked on my back, wings about to take off?

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Featured Cheeses: just because birds shouldn't eat it doesn't mean we should abstain

1.9.09 On gustatory leave. Cheese eatin' but not writin'. Must be the winter.
12.13.08 The Cultured Way's Yogurt Cheese, WI, cow's milk, pasteurized: a mild, white cheese made with active cultures, creamy, a little soft so that it sticks to your knife when you cut it, with bit of a zing as a finish.
11.22.08 Home with a magical bag of 3 artisanal cheeses from Fromagination (.com), downtown. Plus quince paste, a special olive mix, gourmet toffee, humanely raised beef sausage and crusty bread, of course. I might pass out from sheer gastronomic anticipation.
11.12.08 Oh, it was a close call, but I'm back, people! Back with a white cheddar with cranberries: Maple Leaf, WI, double milled, aged. So I expected a sweet combo like the Stilton with dried apricots (which is delicious). But this cheese resembles the medium cheddar that it is, with an occasioanal tart berry thrown in for accent. Nothing kicking you in the face. Delightful with these gourmet, oversized, white rectangle crackers with coarse sea salt (a fancy saltine?). It's good to have returned to the Land of Dairy.
10.22.08 Lactose intolerant? I have strayed to the land of no cheese, and you say, How could anyone live there? I am staying for a few weeks to see how things go in gastric-town. I've got pretty cheeses mouldering in my fridge as we speak, but right now, the dietary investigation continues...
9.25.08 Tofutti's Better Than Cream Cheese: Really? I mean, it's a similar consistency, and it spreads well, not shiny or greasy or pasty. It's better than passable, unlike those almond cheeses (rubber!). But, it is not a cheese, it's a tofu spread. So, vegans, it's a great substitute, but the true cream cheese is a little more glistened, a little thinner.
9.18.08 Fudge Cheese, JS Brands of WI: Yes, you read right, so if you're a gormand, come back later. The first ingredient is sugar, so is the last. But then there's walnuts and processed cheddar cheese (wee!) and butter and cocoa and salt and soybean oil. Sounds like the makings of schmancy cheese to me. Anyhow, it tastes just like over-sugared fudge, but maybe there's more protein in this version? It's so saccharine, so I may not be able to eat much of it, but you sugar eaters out there, have at it!
9.6.08 Point Reyes Blue, CA: raw, cultured cows' milk. Can you taste the salty Pacific breeze, commingled into the milk of the organic pasture-fed cows? My CA friend brought this cheese over to my house, and I have been swooning over it ever since, guarding it like a mother bear. Jonesy doensn't like the blues anyways. This one is creamy, saliferous, proclaiming itself as a milder blue. The verdigris marbling is due to the fungi, Penicillium roquerforti--and it's a beauty!
8.21.08 Hidden Springs Ocooch Mountain, WI, raw sheeps' milk. Caved-aged, semi-hard, more nutty than fruity, dense and smooth, with a mild tanginess left on the tongue. The Heartland Restaurant in St. Paul served the cheese, as part of a Valentine's Day menu of local foods, with wildflower honey-ginger caramel and candied butternut squash. Good lord, I want to drive up there right now. Their menus change all the time, so alas, a cyber-imagined dinner will have to suffice.
8.10.08 My own yogurt cheese: I strained locally-made plain yogurt through a paper coffee filter, perched over a mug, for an afternoon. Then I added fresh cracked pepper, fancy sea salt, and fresh cut rosemary from my kitchen plant. Voila! and yum. Savory on bagels, crackers, or just on a spoon. Good to make sweet versions, too, with dried fruit and nuts.
8.2.08 Port Salut, SAFR (Société Anonyme des Fermiers Réunis), France, cow's milk. Orginally created by Trappist monks in the mid-1800's, made in Brittany. Soft, creamy, tangy and mild and white, with an orange rind. Made in thick wheels, terrific on warmed crusty bread. My two cats were upon me like alley cats to a can of tuna. I shared a bit with the 17 yr old (old pets get whatever they want), and she tried to bite large pieces right off my mini-bagette instead.
7.22.08 Bread Cheese, Carr Valley, WI, cow's milk. I ate as per serving suggestion, for breakfast, warmed in the skillet with honey and walnuts, on toast. The nuts were slightly carmelized and the cheese was mild, a little less smooth than melted mozarrella, but a tad nutty. It is supposed to be good with syrup or jam, too. It comes with both sides already browned. Wish I had waited to let it cool--I burnt the tip of my tongue.
7.15.08: Roth Kase's Gran Queso, WI-aged, hard cow's milk. Mildly sharp and nutty, sweet and dense. 1st Place American Cheese Society '04-'06, Gold Medal World Cheese Awards '05-'06. I can't wait to let it warm up, so I cut thin slices right there and eat them standing at the counter, crackerless.