If psychiatrists don’t have a caloric scale to gauge their patients’ level of depression, they should. For those who want to quantify emotion, it makes perfect sense. Think of how much easier it would be for doctors to keep records.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Lousy, Doc. Half a strawberry cheesecake and a plate of nachos.”
“Real cheese or velveeta?”
“Real.”
“Ok, that puts you at 2800 today. That Ben & Jerry's and brownies binge had you at 3300 last week. I'd say we're making progress."
Even worse than stuffing your face to feel better is eating instead of exercising. To refine the system, let’s say that eating in the place of exercising throws on a multiplier. For example: scarfing eight chocolate chunk cookies instead of running = (8 cookies x 200 calories each) x 2 = 3200. That all adds up to a pretty crappy day.
Of course we all know that eating a half dozen doughnuts and a chili dog will only makes us feel worse in the end, but that doesn’t stop us. Doesn’t stop me, anyway. I’m not the sort to puke, so all I can do is try to suck in my gut and curse myself with every lard laden burp.
For the record, I did not eat a chili dog today. But that’s all I’m going to say. That, and, considering the way I feel right now, Elvis must have really felt like shit.
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